Last Night . . .

Last night should have been a dream come true for me, and on paper it was. I’ve spent most of my life on paper and looking at it from a distance it should have been a representation of how far I’ve come both as a raver, but also as a writer. DJ Colette was playing at Meow Wolf, and I had a date with the raver girl who introduced me to her music.

To top that off two New Mexico House Music Legends were playing right before her in a b2b that I know wouldn’t just help get the night started, but it would also serve as a true representation of the sound this state makes so well. Along with that another great DJ named Girl Wunder played experimental glitch sounds in the second room, representing a new style and sound for the state moving forward. It was already promising to be a special night with great talent in a great venue.

What’s better is that for the first time ever I was going to a show where all four of the dj’s previously mentioned are dj’s that I have written about on my blog Ourdancefloor.net in this last year. Two years ago I left the highest paying job of my life to fully commit to my writing and whatever came with it. From there I published books, started this website and began to interview DJ’s. It’s been a wonderful ride, so far.

But with that there’s been struggle too. All of this happened both during the pandemic and into the aftermath of it. The struggles we’ve faced in the last two years have been unlike any faced in the history of the world, and still we don’t know where that will end. The best example of the toll this has taken will always be in my partnership with my wife, and where we are now.

We met just three months short of 22 years ago, no less than two miles away from where I am writing these words now. It was the night of a rave and we had all agreed to meet at my father’s house to shoot pool and pregame. Yes, my father had a pool table in the living room. It was awesome and we had a lot of good times there. I also got into a lot of trouble too.

She walked in the door that night, we locked eyes, met, and the rest is history. Twenty two years of a crazy, wild, amazing ride that I never had the time to stop and notice while it was happening. As John Lennon says, ‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.’ And I couldn’t say it better myself.
What a ride.

We saw the world together. We faced the madness together. So many good moments. So many good memories. So many things they told me that I’d never have, and still I have it. These are things that can never be taken away, and yet still I know, they change. Everything changes. And so did we.

We lost it somewhere along the way. We let it go. We failed. And it wasn’t over anything major. We never fought about money, we’ve always been loyal, and we are each other’s best friends. But still, even with saying that, you’re not gonna stop things from changing. And when it happens there’s no going back. That’s where we are now, and we know that. Especially after last night.

It didn’t start like that, though. It started as a great plan. I got home from helping set up the sound for another show around 6pm and we were showered and ready to go by 10pm. Perfect timing to make the trip up to Santa Fe and hear every single DJ we wanted.

But as I got in the car and I began to drive, the feeling started to change for me. If only for me. It starts deep down in your stomach, like an ache but you know it’s not something you ate, yet still it grows. And the closer we got, the more that feeling began to take over. I couldn’t even explain it. And my co-pilot, she tried in every way possible, but still it did nothing to help.

The anxiety and the fear and the uneasiness took over so much that by the time I made it Santa Fe and was ready to turn into the meow wolf parking lot, I just couldn’t. Similar to the day I quit my job I just couldn’t do it. Instead of turning in I just kept going. At first I said I was hungry, but I knew that wasn’t true. Eating wouldn’t help this.

We then agreed to switch so she could drive and I considered the idea that maybe I was just exhausted, although, again I knew that wasn’t true. Eventually I admitted to her that I just couldn’t go in and she agreed to drive me home. We drove home in silence without a word of anger or resentment. I didn’t tell her why and yet still she knew. We’ve been partners long enough to say things to each other without words. This was one of those times.

She then offered to take me to the after party thrown by Cenit going late into the morning; which was something I had been helping with all day. Just spending one day with this group was amazing to say the least. They are hardworking, and creative, and kind, and committed. I was there to learn and I found that I learned so much just in that. I feel such admiration for those who are so focused on this culture and this life that they don’t even have time to look up and read what the rest of us waste our time saying.

I look forward to seeing what the collective known as Cenit will do next and I wish to offer my help in any way possible. Whether it be helping lug those speakers down the stairs, or even just being the lonely guy in the middle of the dancefloor watching you guys decorate. It was an amazing day, and I’m only sad that I couldn’t see it at its peak last night. But even without that, I know it was good. And you earned it.

I should have at least been okay with that, but instead I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I asked her to take me home and we went straight to bed without saying a word. It was sad, but not in the way you’d think. Sad in a way that I knew when I woke up things would be different forever and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

All that was left for me to do was fall asleep. So I did. With her by my side.

But that was last night and today, in the sweltering heat I type these quickened words with absolute understanding of what must come next. We have to change, my love and I. We have to be better. We have to stop letting our love get in the way of our partnership, and most of all our friendship.

She is my best friend, and if I have to choose between my wife and my best friend, I pick her as my best friend because I want her to be okay. I want her to succeed. I want her to be what I see in her. Even if that means it’s not with me. I love her enough to let her go.

With that I must announce that there will be a change to Ourdancefloor a bit. It started as a commitment to the underground and how it looked from the point of view of two bears in love and on the road. Well, now it’s just not about us anymore. Our dancefloor isn’t just ours anymore. We’ve got to let go of that.

Now Ourdancefloor represents a chance not just to acknowledge those we come across in the culture that we admire, but also a chance to remember those we lost along the way. Ourdancefloor is theirs now as well.

I wish I coulda made it to that show last night, because I know I probably could’ve met Colette and I could’ve thanked her for her music, and I could’ve told her how I’ve been writing about her. How, I discovered her when I was sixteen and she was my teen idol just as much as any pop star. While the rest of the world was watching TRL, I was listening to House Music and DJ Colette.

We could’ve probably taken some pictures together too, but deep down I would’ve always known that in that picture something wasn’t right with me. That I was forcing it, and faking it, just a little. My heart is destroyed, and broken beyond repair. I don’t know when it’s going to feel better, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to return to the dancefloor.

Because of that I’ll keep writing, and trying again. Trying to give New Mexico words to go with its beautiful landscapes and absolutely unique musical taste. I’m going to fall into my art, and I’m going to work my ass off to find a way back to that moment I could have had last night. The moment I knew I just couldn’t face.

And even if the whole world wouldn’t know the whole story, I would. If I had followed through with last night I would’ve fallen back in love with both House Music and with my love, and I would’ve started the cycle over again; the cycle that would eventually destroy our love once and for all. But I don’t want that.

We’ve come too far. We’ve done so much. We owe each other better.

So Our Love and Our Dancefloor aren’t just ours anymore. They belong to everyone. This culture and the people we lost along the way, demand more of us.

So, in closing I will do nothing more than share a video of a song by the Killers that I used to play a lot before I knew I was going to Las Vegas, Nevada. It was near the beginning of our travels, and it would get me ready and it would make me feel okay with taking this shot. A shot that I made dead on; a shot I didn’t know was aimed directly at my heart.

We don’t know when we start on them that these trips are going to change us more than we ever wanted. We don’t know they’re going to ask more than we can give, and still we know when the times comes, we have to be willing to accept it and move on. Now, it’s time to move on.

But I learned that lesson with time, and love, and doing it the hard way, although, most times I just didn’t have to. I learned it with going out there and living it, and knowing that without regret it was and will always be, worth it. So thanks to the DJ’s, and the promoters, and the dancers, and most of all, the girl who was mine, both all those years ago, and again last night.

See you on the dancefloor.